So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
