cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
