Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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