I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
