There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
