i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
