Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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