and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
