Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
