i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I won the penis lottery.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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