Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
