I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
