i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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