i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
