He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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