her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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