He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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