My liver just broke up with me...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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