brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
