Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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