he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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