do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
