have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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