Just took my morning after pill in the library
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
