I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
