"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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