Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
