so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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