I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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