theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
