from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
