soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
