ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
