Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
