Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
