if only i could text you this smell
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
