I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
