I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
