life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
