Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
