So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
