Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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