i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
