Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
