i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
