K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind