im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.