If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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