I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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