i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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