Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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