im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
As shirtless as possible
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
