You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Who died my cat blue again?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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