On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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