My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
