you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
