i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
