the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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