Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
